The Ring: Terror’s Realm

Posted on October 20, 2022 by Cassidy

“A Computer Program!? I Have No Idea What You’re Talking About!”

“Pardon me for making you tense with a well-mannered introduction.”
North American release, front cover.

You know, it occurred to me that I’ve been running this website for going on seven years now? Boy howdy, the time sure flies… And yet, in all this time, I’ve only managed to cover two survival horror titles in article form? (Those two being Clock Tower II: The Struggle Within, and Friday the 13th on NES.) That seems like a massive oversight on my part, when considering the fact that survival horror constitutes one of my favorite genres of game! Like, I can take or leave games that purport to be “spooky.” But the second you start putting up fixed cameras and limiting how many bullets I can collect? Say no more: I’m sold. So, seeing as it’s currently October – what is agreed upon to be the spookiest month on the calendar – I figure it’s a good time for me to start correcting this “error.” Let 2022 mark the year I start covering survival horror games in new articles every October, until such a time as I run out of survival horror games to write about… or in the event I have something else I’d rather cover that month. Or, if I maybe just feel like taking a break around that time of the year. Look, it’s tough enough maintaining one series of annual gimmick posts on this site, so please don’t hold me to this particular promise. But enough talk about the future: Let’s get back to the here and now.

Ring may well be Japan’s most iconic horror franchise, and serves as the source material for one of the most recognizable characters in all of horror media: Sadako Yamamura — the vengeful spirit of a girl who died after she fell in a well.[♫] If your knowledge of her character is relegated to the franchise’s more popular film adaptations, you likely associate her with the concept of the “cursed videotape,” which she uses to mark unassuming viewers for death seven days after watching it. But that’s just one of the several methods she’s found to spread her curse: If you go back to the original series of novels which first spawned Sadako, you’ll find that the clever girl is actually capable of causing death in a variety of creative ways — on a global scale, even. All this is to say that if everything you know about Ring comes from the movies, you’re gonna be in for quite the surprise as we discuss the series’ Sega Dreamcast tie-in title: 2000’s The Ring: Terror’s Realm — simply known as ‘Ring’ (リング) within Japan. Without giving everything away too early here, I’ll just point to the fact that Terror’s Realm sees you spend much of your time playing a “video game” within the game, where you’re under constant attack from virus-infected mutants. That may not read much like the Ring you’re familiar with, to say the least! And even if you happen to know what specific piece of Ring-related source material Terror’s Realm ostensibly draws its inspiration from… Well, that’d still do precious little to explain the baffling design decisions that went into developing this widely disparaged disc.

Don’t you worry though, folks: This article will be covering every angle when it comes to The Ring: Terror’s Realm; between recapping the history of the franchise prior to the Dreamcast installment, explaining every bit of lore pertinent to its confounding plot, and thoroughly exploring the contents of the game itself. At the end of this nightmare, we’ll weigh in on whether Terror’s Realm is truly as evil as its reputation makes it out to be, or if it’s simply burdened by that most insidious of curses: Being misunderstood. And hey, while we’re at it, we may as well cover the mystery surrounding Ring’s other video game adaptation, in the form of a WonderSwan release that no one was apparently able to complete until sixteen years after its release! So, even if you’ve never consumed so much as a single piece of Ring-related media in your life, you should at least be able to walk away from this article knowing everything there is to know about its tie-in video games… Assuming, of course, that it doesn’t take you more than seven days to read through it all. Oh, did I not mention yet that this article is cursed? Yeah, sorry about that: If you’ve read this far, you’ve already been marked for death by an evil spirit. That’s a bit of an “oopsie” on my part, I reckon! The only thing you can do about it now is to read this post all the way to the end, where I reveal the secret of how to break the curse. Again, I’m really sorry about all this.

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Lula 3D

Posted on September 22, 2022 by Cassidy

“Are You From the Movies or Something?”

“Put on some decent clothes! Your ovaries will catch cold.” German release, front cover.

Let’s talk about sex, baby.[♫] Specifically, with regards to video games centered around the premise of simulating intercourse, presumably for the purposes of player self-gratification. It’s a thematic element which has existed since nearly the dawn of the home console — from almost the very moment that third-party studios were first granted access to the Atari 2600, and as several quickly set about developing primitive pixelated pornography; primarily seen in the output of ‘American Multiple Industries’ (releasing titles under the Mystique and PlayAround labels), including such titles as Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em and Custer’s Revenge. From there, Japanese developers picked up the ball and ran with it; producing interactive erotica across home computers, arcade cabinets (typically of the “strip mahjong” variety), and even on the Famicom Disk System. Believe it or not, this seedy scene is where companies the likes of Enix and Koei got their starts in the industry, publishing doujin soft works on PC — developing titles prominently featuring the word “Lolita,” appealing to a very particular subset of computer-bound creepers. In any event, Japan would hold the dubious distinction of serving as the primary domain for pornographic games in the years to follow; where barring a handful of unlicensed NES games (such as the infamous Bubble Bath Babes) and a run of Leisure Suit Larry titles, North America had largely managed to suppress their “adult games” scene, with the industry fearing the moral panic that would surely arise if they had attempted to promote such works.

While the West remained largely repressed and as the East indulged in their urges, the territory between would begin to explore themselves heading into the mid-90s: Europe found themselves in the cultural [and geographical] center of an erotic software revolution, with German publisher CDV Software’s release of an uniquely risqué 1997 business management simulation. So marked the debut of Wet: The Sexy Empire — alternatively titled Lula, in order to highlight its lascivious lead ingénue. And on that day, a franchise was born, as folk flocked to the prospect of full-frontal nudity on their personal computers. Only one aspect seemed to hold the series back: Its 2D presentation of hand-drawn pornography was only gonna carry them so far, as Lula sexily strutted into the coming 21st century. The obvious solution, then, was to give the ol’ gal a full 3D makeover, and give proper polygonal depth to her graphic assets. After years spent delaying and “perfecting” their work, CDV were finally able to deliver on their eagerly anticipated adventure title in 2005, with the launch of Lula 3D. Only, Lula’s adoring public seemed none too keen on her leap into 3D, as the title would go on to be heralded as one of the worst adventure games of all time. But what had gone wrong? What had poor little Lula done to deserve all this?

In this article – our sixty-ninth here on the Bad Game Hall of Fame – we’ll be exploring the contents of Lula’s three-dimensional sexual escapade. And in doing so, we’ll be exposing everything… By which I mean, examining the whole of the Lula franchise leading up to its ill-fated fully-polygonal turn, attempting to track its troubled development, and exploring all that the 2005 entry has on offer. In the process of doing so, we’ll be making an effort to treat these titles seriously as works of some form of artistic expression — for as seriously as you can take a series of games that don’t appear to take themselves very seriously at all. What I’m trying to say is, we’ll be making an effort here to not just write off Lula 3D for the simple fact of its sleaziness, as so many others seem inclined to do. Perhaps given a more fair perspective, there are elements of Lula 3D’s adventure game design which will shine through as admirable, buried beneath the admitted layers of perplexing puzzle logic and technical incompetence? I suppose there’s only one way for us to find out. Here’s hoping y’all like stacked blondes!

EDITOR’S NOTE: In reviewing a pornographic game, I am compelled to remind readers that if you’re not of legal age to view such content in your given country, please click away from this article. I’d also warn readers who are potentially sex-repulsed or upset by discussion of the porn industry to similarly skip this one, as these are themes inherent to the content / discussion of the game in question.

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SSFF: Crash Bandicoot’s Mobile Kart Racing Nightmare | DELISTED

Posted on September 20, 2022 by Cassidy

Whod’ve thunk that researching a series of Crash Nitro Kart mobile game spin-offs would’ve lead to one of the most confusing series chronologies of all time? Not me — that’s for sure! And yet, here we are, with my latest contribution to Stop Skeletons From Fighting. Trust me: This one’s a proper doozy, and I’m proud of the sense that we were ultimately able to help make of it.

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Life Comes at You Fast

Posted on August 5, 2022 by Cassidy

I’ve been meaning to write and post this status update for a few weeks now, but honestly haven’t had the time or energy for it until today. I’ll tell you the long-short of it up front: In the process of a move across country, I had a car accident that completely devastated my plans and wound up destroying my computer in the process, and so I’m not currently in a position where I can get any writing for the website done. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be out of commission for, but I promise I’ll get back to “work” on here as soon as I’m able. You can read on for the full details if you’re so inclined, but if not; at least know that I’m doing fine health-wise, and that I’m on track to recover financially – that I’ve weathered worse storms than this, and that I’m confident I’ll come out okay on the other end of it. It’s all a matter of time and patience, and eventually settling into a new routine where I can find the time to get back to writing again.

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Spirit of Speed 1937

Posted on June 3, 2022 by Cassidy

“People Only Love the Underdogs That Win.”

“At least you can start from pole!”
North American Dreamcast release, front cover.

Extry, extry, read all about it: The automobiles are off to the races! Why, it feels just like yesterday when I would have to hoof it on just my two hocks to get across the apple. And by the time I finally wound up at the hop, I reckon I’d be too joed to cut a rug — let alone put the moves on any of the sweetie patooties. Talk about gumming the works for this old pip! That’s why I tell you, these new-fangled “tin cans?” Well, they’re just the bee’s knees, I tells ya’: They get me from the cave to the clip joint while keeping my uprights feeling like eggs in coffee, you dig? And believe me when I tell you that the dolls out there blow their wigs when I show ‘em my motor vehicle, boy howdy! Now I’ve got the flames on me all hours of the day, and I couldn’t be more jazzed!

… You know, I originally had the idea that I would try to write this whole article in mock 1930s American vernacular, but I’m honestly exhausted after just one paragraph of it. Goofy bits aside, there are folk out there who genuinely romanticize the so-called “good ol’ days,” and who wouldn’t mind seeing the clock set back something like nine decades. Oh, what a time it must have been back then: You had flapper gals, classic cinema, the advent of jazz music… white people quickly co-opting jazz music, institutionalized racism, crippling economic depression — nothin’ but good times all around, yessiree. But perhaps no aspect of that bygone era is more romanticized than its vintage cars, from back in the day before motor vehicles were held to any of those pesky “safety standards” manufacturers abide by nowadays. Boy howdy, am I sure glad that the latest and greatest in vehicular tech is so much more safe and reliable!

Of course, classic cars nowadays make for particularly expensive investments, reserved mostly for the inexplicably rich and famous. We don’t exactly get to see them out on the racetracks anymore, either — being made to square off against (and undoubtedly getting smoked by) the latest in automotive engineering. Hell, these hoopties of days long gone rarely even get to feature virtually in video games, because who would wanna drive around in some janky old jalopy when you can hit the nitrous at 300 miles per hour in some fancy Italian supercar? As such, classic car enthusiasts looking to so much as simulate the experience of driving their beloved Jenkins Model K or whatever have never really had much in the way of options… Save for one. With their dying breath, the infamous LJN emerged from the depths to spit out one final title in the year 2000: Spirit of Speed 1937 on the Sega Dreamcast. So, let’s give it the ol’ looksie-doo, and see for ourselves whether it’s the bee’s knees or a load of bushwa!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article represents an effort years in the making. By which I mean, it has taken over four years for me to actually get around to tidying up a draft which I began writing way back in February 2018 (which I left at a point of roughly 40% estimated completion) and bring it to fruition in the form of this finished article. As an unexpected perk of this perpetual delaying, an opportunity emerged around the time I picked writing it back up: The chance to gain previously unavailable insight into Spirit of Speed’s development courtesy of one James Harvey (@AgileHarvey), who had conducted an interview with the game’s lead designer (one John Jones-Steele) as part of the upcoming book Dreamcast: Year Two. James was kind enough to provide us an advance preview of this interview, which proved essential in our own detailing the history of the troubled racing simulator. I’ll also take this opportunity to thank The Dreamcast Junkyard, who are responsible for arranging this collaboration and for their own exhaustive documentations of Dreamcast history.

This isn’t a joke. I legitimately considered writing this entire article while trying to keep up that obnoxious gimmick. As my editor / roommate was quick to inform me when I first pitched the idea to her: “That would get old after one paragraph.” She wasn’t wrong back in 2018, and she’s not wrong now in 2022.

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